I got a message from a recruiter about a month ago, just as I was about to leave for a long weekend away. I had been struggling through a toxic office environment rife with politics and rage. So, the idea of being able to move into a new role and leave the mess behind was appealing. We got a conversation going, the recruiter and I. The role wasn’t what I had dreamed of doing my entire life, but it was steady, well-paying, and a reasonable distance away. And it would get me out of the den of discontent I was currently inhabiting. So, I was all in on it.

My conversation began over the phone, but quickly transitioned into virtual interviews, texts with the recruiter, and email exchanges. I made space for it in what was left over after a full-time job and the demands of normal life claimed their share of my time. There were a handful of days where I left the office running so I could make it home to set up my lights for a virtual interview. I put a lot of work into this process. And the more work I put into getting this job, the more I started to want it. I fantasized about the messages I would craft to family and friends, announcing to them my new venture. I dreamed of marching up to HR’s office, throwing my key fob on their desk, and declaring that it was my last day at my toxic job.

Weeks of communication, preparation, and wishful daydreaming culminated in an invitation to interview in person in their office. I was told this would probably be the final step of the interview process and that it would be a short chat with the team and a brief Excel assessment. This was undersold to me a little. The chats with the team were fine enough and mostly unremarkable. However, the assessment was a grueling two-hour test and evaluated me on everything from data entry to basic accounting. Interestingly enough, the version of Microsoft Excel the test referenced was over a decade old.

I wrapped up the assessment in a nearly empty office on a Friday afternoon. My interviewer jetted out early while I was still crunching numbers for my test. When I finished, I said goodbye to the remaining ladies in the office and saw myself out.

This turned out to not be the end of the road after all. I was told next that they wanted me to do another interview, this time, and once again, virtually. I again ran home to hop onto another video call with another person speaking from an antiseptic white office environment, though this time in a different office in another state. One hour later and my face hurt from faking smiles and expressions of interest. I was drained but hopeful that this would lead me to a new and brighter future.

You might have guessed it by now, but this doesn’t have a happy ending. I got a call from my recruiter today at work. I stepped into a bathroom stall to listen to the voicemail she left and I heard a somber sounding voice, vaguely saying that she had news and to call her back. When we did finally speak, she informed me that the position was axed and the hiring frozen indefinitely. The company would not be moving forward with an offer. The recruiter sounded angrier than I was.

I, instead, felt mostly numb with an undercurrent of relief. I was disappointed that my efforts hadn’t paid off, don’t get me wrong. But also, I think back to sitting in that lonely office on a Friday evening, weary and bleary-eyed from a test that took me through the wringer. And once I think of that, I think that maybe it’s not so bad that I didn’t get this job. Maybe this is my lesson not to give so much of my time and energy to those so willing to waste it.