This week and the last have been tedious slogs for various reasons. Over this time, I feel like my motivation left me completely. As a result I have felt as though I have had to drag myself through anything productive. Even simple tasks like opening my mail and folding laundry have felt like tremendous chores. Lately life’s felt heavy. I’ve been feeling like I have been moving underwater and everything feels more effortful. I honestly just want to lay in bed and do nothing as the world spins around me. The siren song of distraction has been calling to me at maximum volume.

But reality waits for no one so I have been pushing myself despite my feelings. Even though my body feels like a sack of rocks, I’ve been making a consistent effort to exercise and move. Today I was actually sore and felt tired in an earned way, which made me feel good. It was a good reminder that I am still moving my body and staying in motion, despite feeling mentally inert. It’s a tiny bit of agency I can exert over my life.

Some of this movement has come in the form of long walks outside. Spring has broken through the chill of winter and the sun has been shining. While it is still mostly cold, the light is all of the impetus I need to go out into the world and explore. I spent most of this past winter working from home. I was so busy that I had barely even realized the passing of time. It was like I looked up and it was light outside again. So I thought to myself that I would be a fool not to take advantage of that.

Earlier this past week, we had one sunny day with temperatures in the mid-60s. It was a stunning spring day, the kind you don’t want to take for granted. I messaged some friends and asked if they wanted to go to the beach but I was met with indifference. I was not deterred however. Instead I lathered myself in sunscreen, grabbed a pair of shades, and threw a book in my bag. I was off to spend some time in the sunshine.

It was quiet when I got to the waterfront. It was still the afternoon, so most families had not yet made it out to stake out their space. Spending time at the water, looking at the blue of the water melding with the blue of the sky, provided me a near instant feeling of calm. I spent the afternoon reading and writing by the water. Once I got itchy for new scenery, I packed up and went to a second location. This one was more lively and filled with families and dogs. I watched the sun slowly set on this beach before meandering my way back home. I felt exhausted but in way that felt earned and good and satisfying. It had been a restorative afternoon and I needed that.