I’ve been in a bit of a low mood lately. Over the past couple of days it’s felt like this cold emotional fog felt came into my life out of nowhere. The fact that this malaise wasn’t tethered to anything in particular made it difficult to navigate. I wasn’t sure what to do or what I wanted. I was stuck. So I ended up sitting around a lot. I wasted time. I wasted hours online or looking out the window.

I have always hate unproductive days, but I do realize that they are part of being human. Before the malaise set in, I had a good weekend. I spent time with myself on Friday, basking in the shadow of a productive week. On that day I wasted time too, but it felt earned then so I didn’t stress about productivity. To waste time by choice is a pleasure, it makes me feel powerful as opposed to powerless. The next night I went to a friends’ place for dinner and drinks. I caught up with this group of friends and we shared laughs and played games. The conversation was lively and polite, but it stayed mostly surface level.

In hindsight, I think that’s maybe what drained me and it’s not even the fault of my friends.

Instead it is the expectation I put onto the situation. I tend to live in the moment and to bring all of myself to all interactions. This isn’t conscious on my part, though I am aware of it in hindsight. Nor is this externally visible. I am capable of monitoring how I show up in social environments. I can treat others with an appropriate amount of distance. But internally, things often hit me intensely and I have trouble removing myself emotionally from situations. I want everything to be energizing and perfect. Mundanity drains my life force and predictable interactions make me feel numb.

And so it was that I sunk into a hazy malaise after the event. A part of me deeply craves novelty and excitement and unpredictability. I do not want these things in their most raw and dangerous states. I don’t want any part of the destruction that so often accompanies true novelty and the abandonment of inhibitions. Instead, I want just a measured dose of strangeness in my life. In seeking civility I think I went too far. I am surrounded by things that make me feel safe and unchallenged. I don’t want to hurt myself, but I want to expand my world.

I worry that it is not possible to have excitement without recklessness and spontaneity with responsibility. However I am also understanding that in order for me to be happy as a person, I will need to find some way of achieving that. I have found myself in rooms full of people discussing the longevity of different furniture brands, when not long ago I still felt young and free and alive. No wonder I find myself sinking into fogs and feeling empty and numb.