I have been challenging myself to express myself more and to self-censor less. Obviously to an extent everyone has to monitor what they say and do. But I am so far from being in danger of being unexamined and unrestrained. I feel that I have slowly become more and more cautious throughout adulthood. Little fears and worries seemed to build up around me through the years. I’ve reached a point where these fears have calcified around me such that now I overthink everything before I begin to take action. This leads to stagnation. I hesitate and anticipate more than I dirty my hands and participate. And that’s simply no way to live.

I remember once someone told me that I seemed, “afraid of the world”. At the time I was a bit offended by this description. And in fairness this person’s delivery could have used a little bit more delicacy. What they said to me was a hyperbolic thing to say to anyone. Few lives are defined entirely and completely by fear. But while the point was made crudely, I think I do understand what they were getting at to some degree all of these years later. There is such a thing as too much hesitation or caution. Some stalling is justifiable. You can even disguise it as discernment and get away with it for a little bit of time. However life will only wait for you for so long, if it even waits for you at all.

At the time I was told that I was afraid of life, I was living somewhat recklessly. I was thinking more about what would feel good in the moment, and less about long term strategy. Because of this, this characterization shocked me. Would someone who was afraid of the world take the risks I took?

It took me years to realize that there is a world of difference between recklessness and courage. We associate courage with all the wrong things. So rarely does it look like bravado in practice. Recklessness on the other hand feels powerful, but in reality I feel like these actions primarily stem from fear. I think for me I was afraid of being let down by the world. I was afraid that the world wouldn’t meet me with the energy I put into it and I was afraid that that disappointment would crush me. I chose recklessness to protect my energy. I put forward a shambolic front full of empty bravado, but it was ultimately just a mask to protect me from the world. What I got back was disappointing, but predictably so. In engineering predictable disappointment, I thought I was protecting my heart in some small way. But in reality I was putting up another layer of distance between myself and the richness of life.

So here I am now. I am putting pen to paper (so to speak), not necessarily because I feel like I have anything to say, but because I want to train myself to treat myself as though I do have something to say. Because I probably do, but I am just simply not used to recognizing that yet. It’s time for me to start showing up to life as it is, without a front.