This week has really worn me down. It was not one thing all at once that tired me. It was an accumulation of many little things. For example, I had to work through a situation at my job. I was called into a phone call with my manager. Once I was in the virtual room, she handed me off to a new employee who I was supposed to on-board. There I found myself with the task to orient and train this new hire with no notice or instruction. I muddled through it. She watched me stumble through, with her camera off, and asked me how long I had been doing my job. I think we got where we needed to go, but the getting there was stressful. And I couldn’t help but feel a little humbled by the whole thing.

On top of that, it has been incredibly cold lately. It’s been a good day when it’s been around 15 degrees Fahrenheit outside. But most days lately we haven’t even made it into the double digits. If I do go outside at all, I have to dress myself in layer after layer. It becomes an investment in time and energy to leave my apartment. Which means I now think twice before going out at all. Often, I make the calculation in my head and decide that it’s not worth it.

 In some ways, I have enjoyed this respite from the outside world. I have been reading books, watching films and listening to albums. I have found myself more drawn to creative play too, like making collages and baking cookies.

It’s been nice to sit inside and indulge this soft, inconsequential living. The days go down smooth with a guarantee of no interruptions. The outside world can be so stressful. But this break from external life has been increasingly feeling stale. It’s also produced a kind of numbing sloth within me. In between moments of creativity and exploration, I also indulged myself in laziness. Lying in bed and watching movies under the covers, I always felt suspended in time. Occasionally during these slothful weekends, I would peak open the blinds. When I looked outside, it always looked so desolate and uninviting. The few figures I saw through the window were bundled up in piles of clothes. They all walked with the same purposeful gait. No one lingered.

I did leave my apartment a few times in the previous week. A couple of times to walk to get take out from nearby places, if only to get a little fresh air. Eating the takeout was heavenly because it felt like connection with the outside world. For a brief moment, I had made contact. It’s been so cold outside that often the food had begun to cool when I got back to my apartment. But that didn’t matter. I would plop the food on the table and sit watching videos in the dark and stuffing my face. It was another form of indulgence, but a nice comfort to cling to as I braced myself from the bitter cold outside.