My job is so toxic that today I became the longest tenured person in my department not in a leadership position. I have only been there for a year and a half. Yet in my short time in this office, I have seen many changes. I’ve witnessed so many entries into and exits from my department. When I first started this job, I had so much hope for it. But on my first day I noticed something strange. The most senior employees had only been with the company a little over two years.  Over the past couple months, I have watched as the entire team I began with slowly exited the company. It’s been tough because I had high hopes for this position. When I began working there, it was after a long stint of unemployment followed by seasonal work at a big retail box store, and I was excited to be in an office environment.

The holiday I spent at the store was intense. My schedule changed rapidly, with some shifts starting at four in the morning. I can recall clearly standing huddled outside the backdoor of the store with the other workers, waiting for management to unlock it so we could warm up. Once inside we would silently shed our layers at the lockers, stripping down to our red tee shirts. Then we would grab our devices and head out onto the floor. We were only allotted a certain amount of time for each task. Once you began a task, your handheld device would immediately begin a countdown. By the time we hit the floor, we were off to the races by necessity.  

I was tasked mostly with shopping the online orders. This meant gathering up everything that people had bought online to pick-up, bagging it, and stowing it for later retrieval. It was also right after Thanksgiving when I was hired, the peak of the holiday rush to buy. This meant that the volume of our pickup orders was high. It also meant that the store was littered with stressed out bodies that I had to navigate around in order to fulfill my orders. And all this time I am outfitted with a headset, so that if I get behind on an order, I could hear my manager screaming in my ear to hurry up.

It was a harried, stressful position and when I was in it, I couldn’t wait to get out.

But when I look back on it, it had its perks. For one, I was on my feet all day moving around. This had a surprisingly positive effect on my mood and mind. The mood boost made some things that would be intolerable in an office environment, tolerable.

Also, despite moments of high stress, there were also moments of genuine appreciation that I experienced. The same supervisor whose harried screaming filled my ear daily wrote a personalized message thanking me for my help in the company holiday card. Similarly, all of the other workers who weren’t leadership were so pleasant and kind. They were genuinely always willing to help me out, even if it meant they had to go out of their way.

The job I am in now is on the surface of things more stable and professional. I have health insurance and a company savings plan. But the competition among coworkers is fierce and at times ugly. It’s like Survivor under florescent lights, with the copier standing in for the fire pit. My managers here don’t scream in my ear or write unexpectedly kind messages. Their real feelings are locked away in their corner offices and work from home days. Grievances are dealt with through HR. I am never told here that a job was completely successful. Instead, the backdoor is always left open so that projects and performances can be reevaluated. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting while being physically sedentary.

I wouldn’t trade the stability and income I have now to go back to retail, but in the day to day that old saying does prove true. The grass really isn’t always greener on the other side.