Lately I’ve been going through a period of time where I feel like I am pulling inward and into myself. This doesn’t feel like a retreat, though I have experienced an urge to retreat in the past. These were moments where I was definitely hiding away from the world and it felt unhealthy and unproductive. Back then, it felt like I was burying myself in some way.

This is different. This feels less like pulling away from the world and more like me wanting to pull into myself. This is born out of a desire to pour more attention and care into my own life. And for the most part, this has been working well for me. I have been exploring hobbies and endeavors that I long put off. And I have been alternatively taking care to improve my life, and enjoying luxuriating in rest. It’s been working so well that it’s been at times hard for me to pull away from my solitary pursuits.

For example, this week I had been invited to a game night at a new acquaintance’s place. The event was on a Wednesday after work. I made it through the work day easily enough. When I got off work, I went next door to the corner store and picked up drinks to take to the gathering. But when I made it home, I felt so cozy. I dragged my feet on leaving for the event. It was a blisteringly hot day in the mid-90s and I wasn’t sure I even wanted to walk outside again.

But eventually I packed up all of my stuff and made me way over. I had been to this acquaintance’s place once before, but that had been for a party late at night. In the daylight, and with the stale heat melting my brain, I wasn’t sure where to go and I had to use my GPS to get there.

Eventually I found my way there. Soon after I was sitting around a table, sipping the beer I brought and engaged in card games with strangers. The first game we played involved us screaming at each other across the table, albeit for the purposes of collaboration. While I had felt very socially awkward and out of place when I first came in, this started to break the ice for me.

This transitioned into another game whose rules I didn’t know at first. I slowly learned them, along with the names of my tablemates, over the course of a long, intense game that was filled with twists, turns, and laughter. Eventually, it was down to just me and another player and there were spectators gathered on either side of us. My opponent tried to assassinate one of my remaining characters, but I blocked them with a power I had kept hidden and subsequently won the game.

I felt proud of winning, but the win also felt inconsequential as what was really important, as cliché as it sounds, was the pure fun I was having with those that I was playing the game with. I was glad that I opened myself up and pushed myself out of my comfort zone for this experience.