It is a pleasure to have nothing going on sometimes. But also, it sucks to have a life that is nothing but an endless string of days where nothing is happening. A day without responsibility is similar to a lot of things that require very little of you up front but offer up a comparatively high reward. Like candy or booze they’re great as a treat but nauseating as a dietary staple.  

For a time in my life, I had a couple years of mostly nothing going on. Days stretched out in front of me like an empty horizon. I was perfectly capable of filling them on a practical level. I could have signed up for classes, started working out, or picked up a couple hobbies or a second or third job. But I didn’t. Instead, I settled into a state of sloth, spending a couple of years in solitary contemplation and gentle indulgence. During this time, it was like my body and brain were made out of lead. Anything that required anything out of me – whether that be time, or attention, or effort, seemed like a massively heavy lift.

While I was in this stuck phase, I would experience moments where I felt frustrated with myself. I wanted to do more with my days. I had an image of myself as a productive, engaged, and active person and as the days lazily rolled by, I found myself falling short of that standard over and over again. But I was battling a big lack of energy. At this point, even minor lifts felt like massive changes to my daily routine.

When I did finally start living an active life again, it wasn’t all at once and the process was both slower and more gradual than I had wanted it to be. I started getting out of the house more, first through low-key activities, like solo nighttime trips to the cinema or long walks in new neighborhoods. Eventually I started to make commitments again, to others and to myself.

And before I knew it, my days weren’t empty anymore. And I’ve found myself in a weird space where I now sometimes miss those long empty days that used to stretch out before me. With the promise they offered up of unchallenging nothingness, they were comforting in a way that only aiming low can ever be. I miss them and I never want to go back to that life. What I have built now with my life is nourishing in a way that my past life of indulging in comfort could never be, but sometimes I remember the sugar rush of less responsible behavior and I do feel a deep nostalgia for those days.