Another year has gone and a new one has been slotted into its place. It’s given me time to reflect on everything. I deal with ups and downs in how I perceive things. Sometimes I am floating on a cloud and other times I am gloomy and miserable. A handful of days ago I took out a notebook and wrote pretty despondently about myself and my life. I looked at everything it was that I didn’t want it to be and I looked at everything it could be and wasn’t. In both cases I cursed the universe that what I had built had fallen short of my arbitrary expectations.

But the reality is, the pieces of my life aren’t going to assemble themselves. The universe, while filled with great randomness, typically isn’t in the habit of handing out miracles.

So, with these facts in mind, I came to a fork in the road. I could choose to continue sitting on my ass waiting for a moment of inspiration that, as of now, hasn’t shown itself yet. Or I could get up and start moving in a direction of some kind. I decided to think of the world as a person whom I had failed so far to develop a relationship with. Instead of trying to approach them with the same old shit that, as of now, hasn’t shown any evidence of working, I could start diversifying my approach, trying new ways to connect with the world and to search for my place in it.

Which leads me to where I am now, sitting here writing this and getting ready to ship it out into the world. I want this year to be a gateway to the rest of my life and I want the rest of my life to look like engagement and action. Instead of getting stuck in rumination and despondency, I want a life of action and production.

As of now, my relationship with the world is a distant one. We nod at each other in passing, but there is no real engagement there, or at least not to the level I would like there to be. Maybe the world is an old, miserable asshole that will never be able to meet me on the level I want it to. But also, just maybe, I am speaking to it in the wrong language, or at the wrong time, or in the wrong tone. And maybe with more messy engagement and experimentation I will be able to build a level of engagement that feels right to me.

This blog is one of those steps I am taking towards experimentation and engagement and it’s essential to me to put it in a public place, even if no one ever sees it besides me. But, if you are seeing this, welcome to my experimentation and grasping for engagement. I am happy to have you here.